30. The Confidence Myth: How to Start Before You Feel Ready (Even If You Want to Barf)

“I’m just not confident enough.”

I hear this all the time from smart, accomplished women who are more than capable, but still waiting to feel “ready”.

Recently, I met a woman with a beautiful idea and watched her almost talk herself out of it in real time. Not because it wasn’t a good idea, but because she didn’t feel confident enough yet. 

And it hit me how familiar this pattern is, especially for women building something new. In this post, I break down the real recipe for confidence, why courage comes first, and how confidence is built after you take action (not before).

The Pie Party Confession

My husband and I got invited to a pie party in January. Everyone brought homemade pies and competed for awards. Steve made his first pecan pie and came in third place out of 20 (go Steve!).

But the real story happened when I started chatting with a woman at the party. She's younger than I am, early thirties, going through a career transition. We were chatting away about work and life, and then I asked what she liked to do outside of work. What really excited her.

She paused, looked at me sheepishly, and mumbled: 

"Actually... if I could do anything, I'd be facilitating ecstatic dance."

As she explained what she meant, it became clear how deeply this mattered to her. 

For those unfamiliar, ecstatic dance is a facilitated experience where people move independently in a group setting to intentional music. It's a method of somatic release. A way to move emotions through your body that feel stuck or rigid. She'd experienced these transformative sessions herself and wanted to share them with others, like youth in troubled neighborhoods or people in the prison system.

It was thoughtful, purposeful work… and yet she was almost embarrassed to say it out loud.

I know from personal experience that when you share your dream with somebody else, if they're callous or not thoughtful, they can crush it.

So I assured her: this idea is amazing. If she hosted an ecstatic dance experience near us, I'd come. So I asked what was stopping her.

Her answer: "I'm just not brave enough. I’m not confident enough."

The Real Recipe for Confidence

That's when my inner coach came out.

I've worked with hundreds of entrepreneurs over the years, and the one thing that is true in every single scenario is nobody really feels confident at the very beginning of their journey.

I explained to her what I tell my clients:

Confidence is simply just a recipe. The recipe has two parts:

1. Do something that you want to do (that feels scary)
2. Don't beat yourself up about it afterwards

That's it.

It's really funny because people think that we need confidence to go out and do the scary thing, but actually what we need is courage.

Here's what happens if you skip that second part: imagine you decide to do something really hard. You get the courage to actually do it. Then afterwards, if you only have negative thoughts about it, you've just taken away any incentive to do anything brave again.

You've taught your brain that doing hard things results in negative self-talk, and that feels terrible. So why would you ever try again?

But if you can do the hard thing and talk to yourself kindly afterward? That's when you start building confidence.

Start Small, Build Evidence

I told this young woman not to go build a whole organization serving troubled youth right away. Just start building evidence that it's possible.

I suggested starting with something bite-sized like hosting an ecstatic dance party at home with friends, or renting a church basement.

This lets her do two things:

1. Practice the logistics: what music to play, how to invite people, whether to charge money, how to facilitate the experience.
2. Normalize the emotional cycle: the anxiety before the event, being in flow during it, the cortisol drop after. Seeing all of this as part of the process normalizes it and makes it easier to do again with a learning mindset.

Building My Own Confidence

I was particularly intrigued by her story because I'm doing my own version of building confidence through action.

In February, my colleague Dr. Matthea Rentea and I are hosting a photo shoot retreat for our Female Founders Accelerator clients. We're bringing in a stylist, brand photographer, and doing full styling workshops.

Why? Because so many high-functioning professional women succeed based on being smart and accomplished, without paying attention to appearance. I'm one of them. But the reality is, humans judge other humans based on how they look. For my physician clients, professional presentation directly affects whether potential patients take them seriously.

This retreat is about helping our clients (and myself) step into the next version of who we're becoming as business owners. It's scary. But just like I told that woman to start with one small ecstatic dance party, I'm starting with my own homework: going through old photos to find ones where I like something about myself.

The Power of Community

One thing I've learned over the years is that it’s much easier to do hard things with other people supporting you.

That's a cornerstone of our Female Founders Accelerator philosophy. Whether it's value propositions, brand stories, or now styling and image… doing it in community makes it transformative.

When someone shares something painful or difficult and a group of women can empathize and help them see it differently, that's powerful. I encourage clients to ask the group: "Help me see this differently." That invitation shifts perspectives from very painful to less painful.

Just like that woman at the pie party needs to host her first small dance experience, and I need to go through my old photos, you probably have your own version of this too.

Your Turn

What’s the thing you keep putting off until you feel "confident enough"?

I want you to remember this: nobody feels confident at the very beginning. You don't need confidence to start, just courage to take a small step, and kindness toward yourself afterward.

That's it. That's the recipe. Do the scary thing, then be kind to yourself about it.

Confidence comes after, not before.

Listen to the full episode to hear more about building confidence through action. And if you're a physician entrepreneur looking for support as you grow your business, reach out at [email protected].